36 Questions Generate “Closeness”

What if there were a series of 36 questions, a structured conversation, that was designed to make two people feel closer to one another? Could that increased connection or trust between teammates translate to higher performance for the team on the court or field of play?

There are indeed 36 questions and they only take about 45 minutes to discuss—and they almost always make two people feel better about each other and want to see each other again, according to social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York. Arthur published his results in “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 1997.

You can try these 36 questions with anyone, even a teammate. You could even try them on a date, but they’re not necessarily only applicable to fostering romantic closeness. You can also try them with people you already know — friends, family members, even long-term partners—to deepen your connection and feeling of closeness.

This is how it works…

Each person  should take a turn answering each question. The order is important since the questions are designed to build on each other. Here are 36 questions to generate closeness, in order:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and I appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell me your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of each other. Share a total of five items each.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For example, “we are both in this room feeling…”

26. Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with me, please share what would be important for me to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

… and a few variations (from Psychology Today):

  • If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it?
  • Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
  • While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?
36 questions for your team

Did you find this article interesting? How could you apply the 36 questions to your team? Would  you would them roll out over a few days? a few weeks? Perhaps as team-building exercise? What questions do you have about the questions? Please leave a comment below with y7our ideas or feedback!

Your Basketball Summer Development plan

sunrise basketball clubI have started to think about how I might help MOTIVATED basketball players with their summer development plan. In an ideal world, I would gather a group of 8-10 players who would meet at an outside court every morning at sunrise (5am? 6am?) to get a thousand shots up and work on their conditioning, moves and defensive skills.

Clearly this is a bit of a dream because who knows of players who are THAT motivated and dedicated to improving their basketball game? With such a group, imagine the amazing AAU team we could field! Or we could play in some of the most competitive summer leagues on the east coast! Even if we only worked out once or twice a week, it could still have an amazing impact on their next season.

Do you know any players that would be interested in a summer development plan like this?

“Depends on how much it costs.”

That’s a fair response… I would probably need to charge each player (or their parents) $1000-1500 plus fees for tournaments, travel & uniforms. Compared to an AAU season this might seem a little high but keep in mind that the investment could be easily recouped if your son gets even a partial college scholarship. Imagine if someone did this for the last 3 summers of high school (Fr-So, So-Jr, Jr-Sr)? Maybe they would even come back after high school and serve as coaches as they prepare for college.

Will it happen?

Right now this vision is just in my imagination… unless I can find 12-15 players to try out for the 10 spots. We would need to start in May or June and go through most of the summer. Most likely there would be days or even a week or two off along the way. It would not be easy but you would get into the best shape of your life and your skills would improve by an order of magnitude, i.e. noticeably better!

Do you know a player dedicated enough to get themselves out of bed for the opportunity to greatly improve their basketball game this summer? Leave a comment below this post and I will follow up as more info becomes available.

Next step…

In a future post I will outline a basketball summer development plan with variations based on what a player needs to improve.

Even if you won’t have a personal coach training you over the summer, you should definitely put together a plan and schedule. You will make more progress with a plan than you will by “winging it”. A summer development plan will get you working when you would rather not. Don’t miss the opportunity to improve.

 

Mental Management – Marksmanship, Basketball and Coaching

Below is an excerpt from The Red Circle, My Life in the navy seal sniper corps and how I trained America’s deadliest marksmen, by Brandon Webb. In this excerpt, Brandon Webb talks about Lanny Bassham’s Mental Management concept and how it relates to performance under pressure. After the excerpt are some ideas for applying the ideas to basketball.

The Red Circle by Brandon Webb
“Earlier I said that intellectual capacity was the first trait we look for in a sniper, that physical ability, as important as it is, is only 10 percent of the game. Of all the changes we made in the course, the one that felt most significant to me and that I was proudest of was our system for mental management.

When we first encountered the concept of mental management it was being taught exclusively to instructors as a way to help us coach and teach more effectively. In essense, it was all about where we as instructors focused a student’s attention

Say you’re doing batting practice with a kid and you notice he’s standing with his knees buckled in, shoulders misaligned, hands spread wide apart on the bat. Your impulse might be to start telling the kid everything he is doing wrong. If you focus his attention on all these wrong things, though, what you’re really doing is imprinting them  into the poor kid’s mind, with the result that they start becoming ingrained habits. If you say, “Hey, you’re flinching. Every time the ball comes at you, you’re flinching! Stop Flinching!” then what the hell’s that little kid thinking about? He’s thinking about flinching.

If instead you say, “Hey, put your hands closer together, like this, and look: feet apart.” Then you’re showing him what to do rather than focusing his attention on what not to do.

A beginner typically starts out very focused on everything that’s going on. He’ll tend to absorb whatever is thrown at him. He is, in other words, highly programmable. The question is, as an instructor, what are you going to feed that rapt attention: bad habits or good habits?

This translated directly to instruction on the sniper course. In the old days instructors would bark at us for everything we did wrong. “Stop! You’re putting your finger on the trigger wrong! When you pull the trigger, you’re flinching! You’re jerking the barrel! You’re fucking up!” Suddenly we’d be thinking, Holy shit, there’re twenty things I’m doing wrong! Instead, we learned we could give a student three positive commands, three things he could do to correct those errors, and now he’d be developing good habits from day 1.

I have to admit, I was not completely on board with the whole concept of mental management when I first bumped into it, and I had to overcome my own skepticism. Shortly after Eric and I checked into NSWC to start working with the basic sniper course, we and a handful of other instructors were brought out to Scottsdale, AZ for a one week course taught by a champion marksman named Lanny Bassham, one of the pioneers of mental management. I was pretty dubious. Mental Management? What, like some positive-thinking guru? Oh boy. “Great,” I said to Eric, “when is Tony Robbins gonna come in and blow smoke up our asses?”

My attitude didn’t last long. Bassham is such an amazing, down-to-earth guy – and what he taught us was nothing short of incredible.

“I wasn’t good at sports,” Lanny told us. “I was of this weak, goofy kid. My dad said, ‘Hang in there, we’re going to find something for you. Everyone has a talent.’ ”

Lanny found his talent when he got into competitive shooting. After college he joined the army and was assigned to their marksmanship unit, which is comprised  of the best match shooters in the world. By the time he went to shoot in the 1972 Olympics in Munich at the age of twenty-five, Lanny was famous the youngest world champion in the sport, and everyone expected him to shoot gold.

“I was on the bus with a bunch of competitors from different countries,” he said. “I heard some Russians in the seat behind me talking about how much pressure I must be under, with the entire reputation of the United States on my shoulders, and how they were glad they weren’t me – and they started getting in my head.”

By the time he stepped off the bus, Lanny was completely rattled. “I shot the worst match of my life,” he said. This being Lanny, the worst match of his life meant he came in second – but he was devastated. He came back to the States and visited with a handful of sports psychologists to see if he could understand what had happened to him, and they all said the same thing: “Hey it’s okay to be number two. Olympic silver is a great achievement, Lanny. You should be satisfied with that.”

Lanny said, “Screw that. I don’t think so!”

He spent the next few years interviewing dozens of gold-medal champions and recording all the specific traits he could identify in his interviews. They gave him an earful; you don’t get to be a gold medalist without doing an awful lot of self-examination and studying the best practices and key practice/performance tactics and strategies. Out of everything he heard, he found there were two specific traits they all shared in common.

First was complete and total confidence. Not arrogance or cockiness, but an absolute, unshakable confidence in their ability to perform regardless of adversity. Here’ how Lanny described this trait:

If I’m a champion tennis player, playing a championship game, it doesn’t matter if the strings start popping off, or my favorite racket breaks in the middle of the game. I’ll pick up a piece of plywood, tape it to a stick, and I’ll still beat you on the tennis court.

It’s an attitude that says, I will win no matter what. These people didn’t just want to win, they expected to win. When they went out to compete, they had already won in their minds.

We’ve all seen people who have the talent and skill to win, but at the last minute something goes wrong; their favorite bat breaks, or a golf swing misses, or something in their environment distracts them – the way Lanny was psyched out by the Russian taunts – and their game unravels. It didn’t unravel because the bat broke, Lanny was saying, or because the pitch went wild, or because of the other team’s taunt. It unraveled because it was vulnerable.

For champions that doesn’t happen. Their game is invulnerable. That’s the kind of confidence Lanny was talking about – and that was the kind of confidence we wanted to instill in our sniper course graduates.

The other trait was that they all did some kind of mental rehearsal- closing their eyes and practicing their winning game in their heads, over and over again.

Lanny told us about a navy pilot he met in the seventies name Captain Jack Sands. Captain Sands was shot down while serving in Vietnam and spent seven years in a prison camp in Hanoi, confined in isolation with no phyical activity. In order to preserve his sanity, he decided to practice his golf game. Of course, he couldn’t physically play golf – but the 5′ x 5′ cage he was in couldn’t prevent him from creating a course in his mind. In his imagination he evoked an image of a beautiful country club course, placed himself there, and let himself experience it all in great detail. He saw himself dressed in golfing clothes, smelled the trees and grass, and felt himself making each stroke as he played. Every day, for seven years, Captain Sands played a full eighteen holes in his mind while his body sat in his cage. He played it perfectly, never hooking slicing, or missing a single shot or putt. Hey, he was making it all up, right? Why not make it perfect?

Here was the amazing part. Before joining the navy, Captain Sands was an average weekend golfer, barely breaking 100. After he was finally released from his captivity and made his way home, he eventually got out onto a real grass-and-air golf course, and his first day out on the green he shot a stunning score of 74. He had taken more than 20 strokes off his game – without one laying a hand on a club. (By the way, some have claimed this story is an urban legen and there was no such person. It’s no urban legend: Lanny sat next to the guy on a seven-hour flight to a world championship match they attended together.)

The point, said Lanny, was that your reality is defined by your mind, not your external enironment. Jack Sand’s golf game changed so dramatically because that was how he had programmed his brain to see it.

Lanny went on to tell us about a national shooting championship he participated in. As part of his preparation, he had spent time mentally rehearsing the moment when he would be kneeling  there and suddenly realize, Holy shit, I’m about to shoot a perfect score.  What so often happens in a high-stakes situation like this? The realization that you are on a roll knocks you off balance. It’s that Uh oh, I’m so close, what if I screw up now? moment that can come with asking someone out on a first date, taking your driver’s test, asking for a raise, or doing anything risky and important in life. We’re not ready for this place of victory and don’t know how to react now that we are here – so we choke. Not Lanny. He’d rehearsed that moment so many times that it was now as familiar to him as coming home.

“When I hit that moment in that championship,” he said, “I recognized it like an old friend. Just like I’d done every time I’d rehearsed it. I took two deep breaths, said to myself, I’m shooting the next three shots perfectly, then took  my time. Boom. Boom. Boom.

He shot a perfect score.

Lanny returned to the Olympics in 1976, and this time, using his mental management system, he took the Olympic gold. Over the following years he dominate the field, winning twenty-two world individual and team titles and setting four world records on top of the gold medal he took in Montreal.

With Winning In MindLanny incorporated what he’d learned into a whole mental management program, which he wrote about in his book, With Winning In Mind. His system became so popular that other coaches and athletes started having him come train them.

Mental Management to basketball

The obvious application is visualizing free throws but it could be used for nearly any part of the game. Late in the season, when the body gets worn out, how about taking some time to relax and visualize actions instead of running up and down the court?

As the state playoffs approach, wouldn’t the concept of Mental Management help your team perform better? Imagine what it will be like when you have a lead in the game and realize that you could actually win the championship? Or you face a challenge from the other team, maybe they make a couple of 3 point shots in a row… how are you going to respond? With confidence that you will overcome the challenge and emerge victorious? Why not?

Please post your thoughts on Mental Management for Basketball in the comments below. We would love to hear what you think or how you have applied these ideas!

Story of theshot92

Here is the story of “TheShot92” . . . an unabridged edition for your enjoyment!

It happened on . . .
March 4th, 1992

Picture if you will . . .
… a sellout crowd of over 16,000 at the Hartford Civic Center to see the UConn Huskies vs. The Syracuse Orangemen in a Men’s Big East Basketball Game. Like many games late in the basketball season, energy was running high for everyone in attendence.

The first half was exciting and just before both teams head to their locker rooms to strategize at halftime, the UConn sports marketing department, as they always do at UConn games for halftime entertainment, selects 3 contestants for a basketball shooting contest. Contestants are selected by a sticker placed in 3 game programs and the person who makes the most foul shots in 30 seconds wins a chance to shoot for additional prizes.

Tonight, the first two spots are filled by people who had stickers in their programs – but they needed a third person.  UConn MBA student Dave Wheeler happens to be near where the contestants are meeting and he happily volunteers when asked to fill the 3rd and last spot. (Sometimes it just helps to be in the right place at the right time).

After the UConn and Syracuse players leave for halftime, the three contestants make their way to the court. Even though the Civic Center seats over 16,000 fans, many are out of their seats during halftime getting refreshments and hitting the rest rooms.  The remaining spectators don’t expect much from the shooting contest since it is rare that anyone wins a prize.

Since Dave was selected last, he has to shoot first.  His first few foul shots go in easily, then the pressure of the screaming fans sets in … his knees lock up and he misses the next few shots. One voice can be heard distinctly – calling out of the roar of the crowd – “BEND YOUR KNEES” – it sounds exactly like Dave’s Dad . . . even though Dave knows that he’s not there.

Finally Dave makes his last couple shots to end with a score of 6 made baskets in 30 seconds. Dave is disappointed and thinks he could have done better.  Compared to other halftime contests that he has seen, he knows that six is really pretty pitiful, but he only has to beat tonight’s competition.

Next to shoot is a middle aged Housewife. She has trouble hitting the backboard at all and doesn’t make a single shot. [Dave lets out a sigh of relief].

Next up is the real competition – an 8 year old boy (with his Dad standing by as a coach). The kid can just barely get the ball to the rim, but one rattles into the net.

He misses a few more, then another falls in. A few more topple in and, as the 30 second buzzer sounds . . . [most impartial observers agree the ball was still in his hands when the buzzer went off] . . . he heaves up one last prayer of a shot . . .  it rolls around . . . AND IT GOES IN ! It’s all tied up.

It’s time for a Sudden Death shootout between Dave, a 29 year old graduate student . . . and an eight year old boy.

Dave shoots first and makes his first shot. Dave certainly doesn’t want to be embarrassed by losing to this little kid.

The 8 year old steps up to the foul line, throws it toward the basket and makes his first shot – The crowd goes wild !

Dave steps up for his second shot and the crowd is starting to turn nasty. The want the little kid to win. Did we mention that the contest was right in front of the student section, the rowdiest part of the arena?

It is hard to imagine what it is like to be boo’d by 16,000 people (since, by now, most spectators had returned from getting refreshments or using the bathroom). Even with the crowd against him, Dave makes his second sudden death foul shot and feels pretty confident. The pressure is really on the kid now.

The 8 year old steps to the line, pauses, heaves the ball to the basket – and it hits the front of the rim and bounces up, over, and IN ! [Needless to say the crowd is ecstatic!]

Dave’s third shot. Now he gets to see what visiting players experience when they are shooting foul shots – facing the rowdiest fans in the building – the student section. The BOO’s are raining down from all corners of the arena since everyone wants the 8 year old to win. Dave steps up, shoots, follows through and . . . it goes in.

By now Dave (and the rest of the 16,000 fans) are pretty impressed by this 8 year old. To make two shots in a row is quite an accomplishment – especially against someone who has played basketball all his life and even competed at the college level.

Now the crowd is cheering for the 8 year old to make a third shot – he bounces the ball a couple of times, eyes the rim, takes a deep breath and lets it go. It gets to the rim . . . bounces from side to side . . . and falls out. The crowd moans.

Now Dave gets to shoot for prizes:

Since he won the shootout, he gets to go for the prizes. If the first shot (from the foul line) is made, Dave gets a pair of Reebok sneakers and everyone in the arena gets a free order of bread sticks from Pizza Hut.

The announcer explains the prizes and ends with “good luck Dave”.  Strange as it sounds, it is almost like the pressure is off. Dave steps up and makes the free throw.

The second shot is from the Three Point Line – top of the key – about a 20 foot shot. Dave starts to get a little cocky and asks the guy running the event if he should shoot from the College or the NBA 3 point line. He even makes an exaggerated gesture pointing at each line so anyone watching could figure out what he was asking. [Did we mention that Dave was quite the smart aleck ! ? !]

The sports marketing guy running the contest concedes that the college line will be fine, while the announcer is explaining the prizes . . . “If Dave makes this shot he will get a SNET Cellular phone and, instead of bread sticks, everyone in attendance will get a free Personal Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut! Good Luck Dave.”

Upon hearing this the crowd quickly forgets that they were booing him only minutes before and the noise and cheering starts. Dave tracks down the same (good) ball as before and steps up. With a nice easy jump shot, the ball sails toward the basket and splashes through the net. The crowd lets out a huge cheer [since they had just won some pizza]. Now the real tension starts.

The last shot, “theshot92”, is for two round trip tickets anywhere in the Continental U.S. and “Pizza for a Year” for Dave and a medium Pizza Hut pizza for everyone in the Civic Center. Needless to say, all 16,000 fans are on their feet – anyone who had left for intermission has come back in to see what the commotion is all about.

The next shot – from half court – has what seems like an eternity of buildup by the announcer, giving Dave some time to decide how he is going to try to make this shot. He thinks he could throw it, but he wouldn’t have enough control. He could try to shoot it like a regular shot, but probably wouldn’t have enough distance to get it there. Dave decides to shoot it with two hands – kind of like a chest pass.

There is only one over-riding thought – Don’t let it be short. The UConn crowds are notoriously merciless with their chants of “AIR-BALL, AIR-BALL” when opposing teams miss the rim on a foul shot – and that’s when there isn’t even any pizza involved !

Dave figures at the very least by trying to bounce it off the backboard it might compensate for the weakness that has started in his knees and is now spreading to his arms and the rest of my body. The pressure is making Dave “weak in the knees” so adjusts his target and bounces the ball a couple times while he waits.

The announcer wraps up his description of the prizes and gives Dave his cue to shoot, ” . . . Good Luck Dave”.

Dave shoots.

It looks straight.

It’s hard to tell if it will make it . . . until he sees it hit the bottom of the net –

Straight in –

Nothing But Net !

The crowd erupts. The UConn mascot runs over to congratulate him. A standing ovation from 16,000 of his closest friends [remember. . . there was pizza involved].

theshot92 UConn halfcourt

People from the courtside UConn band ask for Dave’s autograph before he can even leave the court. He must have signed about 20 or 30 programs before finally walking back up to his seat with all the coupons for the prizes. . . shaking hands with everyone as he makes his way up the steps.

Needless to say – the rest of that UConn/Syracuse Big East Basketball game on March 4th, 1992 was kind of anti-climatic. Some people even say they heard a chant near the end of the game “Put in the Pizza Guy” !

That’s the story of TheShot92 !

We hope you enjoyed it.